


Keith’s No Good, Terrible, Very Bad Day

by Lanceeselhombre



Series: His Process Au [5]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxious Keith (Voltron), Ch 2 will be mostly comfort, Crying, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Implied Nudity, Keith has a phobia of bathrooms, Omorashi, Orphan Keith (Voltron), Pants wetting, Platonic Cuddling, Wetting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-15 12:08:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21253154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lanceeselhombre/pseuds/Lanceeselhombre
Summary: Keith has a bad day that just keeps getting worse.





	Keith’s No Good, Terrible, Very Bad Day

Some days, regression was a real thing. There were days where Keith’s mind threw out every experience he’d had that proved  _ a bathroom won’t hurt you _ , and on those days he felt a magnitude of fear he hadn’t experienced in a long time. It had only happened twice so far during the couple of months of training he’d been through, and to compensate the team pulled back a little with his training when it happened. A lower difficulty of exposure training usually fixed the problem, and by the next day he was back to normal. 

It looked like today was going to be one of those days. 

Maybe it was because it was small and no one else was permitted to use it but him, but it didn’t seem as frightening as some of the other bathrooms on the ship. 

Not that he’d been in one yet; he hadn’t gotten that far where he was able to be inside the doorway and not panic. But Lance opened the door once or twice to let him see inside. That was an interesting experience. It turns out urinals were a universal thing, because when Keith asked Lance what the weird sink-looking-thing on the wall was the blue paladin promptly wheezed until he almost passed out. He hadn’t been in a bathroom for over ten years and never inside a public one, how the hell was he supposed to know what a urinal was? It wasn’t his fault. 

However, despite the small setback of the ever-present fear, he had a normal enough morning. He got changed into his usual clothes without too much trouble, although as he walked around to grab the articles of clothing from his closet he realized he couldn’t be within a ten foot radius of his bathroom door without dread shooting spiking down his spine. Which left the perimeter of his bedroom for him to ‘safely’ walk along.

But it wasn’t like he was going to be in his room all day. Once he was changed and ready for breakfast he wouldn’t have to worry about it until he had to go back to sleep at the end of the day. And he had a while until then. 

It wasn’t until Keith had used his thermos that he realized today was going to be a bigger problem than he thought. How was he supposed to dump his thermos out if he was too scared to go into his bathroom? Sure, he had his bowl too, although he’d never really used it before. But that would probably only last him until lunch with how Lance was still monitoring his fluid intake. He bit his lip worriedly and looked around his room. He didn’t really keep...items. And a dagger wouldn’t help him in this case. 

Fuck. 

_ Maybe I could ask Lance?  _ he thought. Lance was the person he trusted most when it came to his issue- unless it was exposure training, then that was Shiro. He still had a vendetta against Lance for the urinal incident; but who could blame him? He knew his teammate might tease him a little for it, but he never went too far and would help him nonetheless. 

But this was also the worst regression he’d had so far. Before, the worst he’d gotten- other than needing to step back in exposure training- was being shy about slipping away to his bedroom to pee. When he got like that Lance could tell just from the shade of red his face turned and always let him off the hook easily, but not without some hardcore teasing first. He could be such a shit about it for all the accompanied kindness; he would even go as far as to tease him with juvenile terms like  _ potty _ if there was no one else paying attention. God, when he did that it was  _ embarrassing _ . 

He could get over his embarrassment but asking Lance for help with this seemed  _ humiliating _ . He felt foolish to have to ask someone else to do such a simple thing for him. It would take two seconds, in and out; but just the thought of it was making his chest cramp uncomfortably. He didn’t want to admit he couldn’t survive the panic for that short of a time span. 

And that was how he decided he’d suck it up for the day and deal with it on his own. His regressive episodes only lasted a day at a time, if he survived today he could fix the problem tomorrow. The bowl Hunk gave him was decently big, it would probably hold a little more than double what his bladder could. Which meant if he wanted to get through today without anyone noticing his personal problem he’d have to somehow only pee twice until tomorrow morning. 

That wasn’t even possible when he was dehydrated. 

Maybe if he boycotted water? That would be hard to do with Lance, but it might be possible. He’d look suspicious though…

Keith sighed and put his thermos on the floor. Fuck it, he’d try, and if he failed he would just cover it up. What was the worst that could happen? Tonight wasn’t game night so he didn’t have that to worry about, so the worst would probably be him having an accident during paladin training, while Allura and Coran were watching. 

But he would definitely last past then. Easily. 

He hoped.

.o.O.o.

As it turned out, boycotting water was not possible with Lance. He noticed right away that he wasn’t drinking anything during breakfast and practically forced him into it (a.k.a. Lance pestered him until he did it just to shut him up.) Unfortunately, it also apparently made Lance suspicious right away that something was up. 

He couldn’t slip anything past this guy could he? 

Lance placed his elbows on the table and rested his chin in one hand as he leaned forward. “So, why are you going on a strike?” He wondered, respectfully waiting until the rest of the team cleared out of the room before he said anything. Keith appreciated that part about him: he always respected people’s privacy and took their comfort into account when he made his decisions. Now when he was joking or teasing, that was a different story, but he knew his limits. 

Keith frowned and met Lance’s eyes, determined not to look away. Lance knew he couldn’t look at anyone when he lied or was nervous; and he was partaking in both. If he didn’t want his friend to find out about his problem, he would have to lie, and he was nervous- about the fact that he was going to lie and what Lance’s reaction would be if he found out. He didn’t want him to get mad. Angry people scared him. Not that Lance had a tendency to get angry a him for hiding things. But his mind liked to believe that anything was possible. 

He did his best to not stutter. “I’m just not thirsty.” He replied simply. He hoped Lance would buy his bluff, as unlikely as it was. He’d never complained of not being thirsty to skip out on drinking, even in the beginning. 

Lance smiled gently at him, somehow disarming but knowing at the same time. His eyes were equally calm and inviting, and Keith would be lying if he said he didn’t want to immediately re-sin his statement. “Just not thirsty?” He asked in return. 

His tone almost made Keith change his mind about keeping a secret from him all day. It was practically  _ begging  _ for his trust. That was Lance’s Soft Tone™, the one he used when he knew something was off and, instead of pestering him into giving it up, he chose to try to gently coax it out of him. Keith knee that Lance wouldn’t tease him for anything if he spoke up now, he knew it wouldn’t be well received. 

And it almost worked. Keith opened his mouth to tell him, but the words he wanted to say died in his throat. His autopilot took over after that, and what he actually responded with was a low ‘yeah.’ A slight frown pulled at his lips as the word left his mouth. If he had been torn before, he was definitely even more so now, because he didn’t want to change his answer and let Lance know he lied to his face. Especially for a second time.

He wasn’t supposed to lie. Lying got him in trouble. 

There was a small silence after that. Lance was giving him a chance to change his answer- he could probably see the conflicted look on Keith’s face- but when the red paladin didn’t speak up he hummed and stood up to stretch. 

“Alright then.” He said, dropping the topic way faster than Keith ever thought he would. He’d been known to coax and pester much longer than their 30 second conversation. Keith wondered why he just...let it go. “Are you ready for some training?” The blue paladin asked, changing the topic. 

The red paladin sighed and shook his head. Lance was talking about his daily exposure training; that was after breakfast and paladin training was after lunch. Lance just bringing up the fact that he still had to train today made his chest uncomfortably tight. He just wanted to take a break today. What would be the point if he was cowering with his back pressed against the opposite wall and unable to get closer? 

“Am I ever?” Keith asked tiredly. 

Lance smiled. “Yes, you are.” He answered confidently as he left the table and began walking towards the door. “Come on, the faster you start the sooner it’s over.” After that he left. 

Keith frowned slightly as he watched the door close behind his friend.  _ No I’m not.  _ He argued silently. He wasn’t ready on a normal day, and definitely not today. Regardless, he stood up as well to follow. 

He didn’t have much of a choice did he?

.o.O.o.

Exposure training was a disaster.

Lance walked him to where they usually trained before he left to spend time with Hunk. It was a bathroom in a large hallway where they had plenty of space to work with. They chose that place for days like today, when Keith would need a bigger margin than usual and could back up without being trapped by a wall. 

He’d been doing well lately; he could put his hand on the door and not be overwhelmed with panic. But today, he couldn’t get any closer than his previous ten-foot-radius without getting jittery and tense. He felt pathetic for such a large setback- especially when he usually only needed to be a few steps back from usual when this happened. 

It only took Shiro a few seconds to realize what was up. It was obvious with how the teen was awkwardly standing by himself away from his friend, lips pulled down in a tense grimace. “Today’s one of those days huh?” He guessed with a soft smile, standing so that his body language showed he wasn’t upset. 

Keith stared at the floor as he nodded. Today was definitely a bad day. He didn’t feel motivated at all to train today, which was a first. But who could blame him? No one in their right mind would want to face their fears on a day that it seemed especially scary. 

Shiro’s smile turned sympathetic. “Okay, we can work with that.” He assured the teen, trying not to make him feel bad. He knew Keith beat himself up when he had regressive episodes. He wouldn’t add to it by making any comments on how they would have to change the plan for the day. “Is that your challenge line?” He asked, trying to move the conversation along so Keith couldn’t dwell on how he was feeling. 

The red paladin shifted his weight for a moment, contemplating, before he gave a small nod. This was the closest he could stand without feeling dreadful or panicked. He frowned a little deeper at the difference from his usual challenge line: in front of the doorway. Everything about him was off today, wasn't it?

“Hey, stop thinking like that.” Shiro scolded gently, his own smile dampening a little at his friend’s distress. He could tell when he started to get mad at himself for something just by the look on his face. “Don’t beat yourself up over it. It’s happened before, and you’ve gotten through it. You’ll get through it this time.” He coached, doing his best to lift the teen’s mood. Moody Keith wasn’t a fun Keith to be around. 

Part of the teen wanted to smile and thank him for the effort. He was so kind and determined even when he himself was unresponsive and couldn’t care less. He appreciated that the man knew how to be a strong leader and a perfect role model while also being soft and gentle enough to not make him feel threatened or demeaned. At least on a normal day. Today, he felt on edge and down in general (for obvious and not so obvious reasons) so Shiro’s demeanor wasn’t helping much, but it was doing something. 

Keith managed to make himself look up from the floor and respond to Shiro, his personal way of saying thank you. He wasn’t good with saying things like ‘thank you’ in a straightforward manner, but his friends seemed to understand his coded messages, so he didn’t force himself to change his way of communicating. “Okay.” 

Shiro’s smile returned when Keith responded. “Alright, do you want to take a step towards me?” 

He didn’t, but he did so anyway. He managed to follow Shiro two more steps towards the bathroom door before he couldn’t take anymore. Once he was as far as he could get Shiro stood off to his side, trying to distract Keith and engage him in a conversation to get his attention off the bathroom door. 

Keith’s heart was pounding in his ears, but he stayed in place, listening to Shiro speak and responding in short sentences, unable to focus more on him when he was focusing on the bathroom. The door looked like every other door in the castle, but knowing what room it led to made the usual calm, almost dull coloring of it appear menacing and unsettling. It felt like the door would snap at him, something would come out of it and rush him, something would happen that would harm him in some way. 

Yet he knew that wasn’t true. Doors didn’t eat people, and nobody was on the other side. No one on this ship would hurt him anyway. He had no logical reason to be afraid. But that knowledge didn’t make the thoughts and fears go away. 

Keith’s hair brushed up against his neck, startling him so bad that he jumped and hid behind Shiro like something snuck up behind him. Instead of scolding or teasing, Shiro wordlessly moved them farther away from the door and gave him a moment to recover from the scare. Keith wasn’t jumpy like that unless he pushed himself too far and let himself get too anxious. If he got too anxious then he had to be removed from the situation to calm down. 

The red paladin shakily leaned into his leader as he felt his anxiety dissipate. “I think I was too close.” He whispered quietly, admitting that he pushed himself too far. He thought he could handle it, but he obviously couldn’t. 

Shiro gently wrapped his arms around his back and rested his chin on the top of his head. “I think so too.” He agreed softly, speaking quietly as well to not spook him anymore. “Let’s take a break before we continue okay?” He hummed, not wanting to start again when Keith was still wired. 

The soft rumble of Shiro’s chest as he spoke against Keith’s ear was comforting and soothing. The teen nodded silently and closed his eyes, focusing on breathing in and out until he was relaxed. 

Only when his heart rate returned to a normal pace did he pull away to stand by himself, albeit reluctantly. Being wrapped in Shiro’s arms made him feel safe, and without the reassurance of the older man’s body against his he felt completely and utterly vulnerable and  _ scared.  _ Even though they were nearly double the distance away from the bathroom that they’d been a few minutes ago, just seeing the door made his heart feel unusually weak, as if his small scare a second ago reinforced his already irrationally strong fear. 

Shiro placing a hand on his shoulder startled him again, so much so that he froze and momentarily forgot how to breathe. Keith heard the man breathe a small sigh and pull him into another hug, this time refusing to let him out of it. Fingers running through his hair worked him down from his panic, and within a few seconds he remembered the function of his lungs enough to suck in a deep breath. 

Even after he calmed down, he was shaky from cold sweat and uneasy with the knowledge that, even though he couldn’t see it through Shiro’s chest, the bathroom was still in front of him. Keith hadn’t wanted to do exposure training before they started; now he just...couldn’t. His earlier reluctance had very quickly evolved into intense dread and panic. He didn’t want to continue today. He couldn’t. 

As if he could read his mind, Shiro softly suggested, “Why don’t we stop here for today?”, and Keith immediately relaxed in his arms, practically going limp with relief that he didn’t have to continue. He silently thanked his friend that he could tell what he wanted to say without him needing to say it; it saved him so much stress in situations like this. 

But at the same time, the corners of his lips turned down in a small frown. Shiro had never cut a session short before. Was he really doing so bad that the man didn’t think he was able to keep going? To be fair, he knew he was kind of panicking just from proximity to a bathroom, even while he had a barrier between it and himself...but it still hurt in a way, ya know? He felt like he’d disappointed his leader or possibly frustrated him to the point where he didn’t want to deal with his fear for the moment. Just entertaining the thought made him want to cry. 

Shiro gently pulled away from the hug, and Keith felt his chin wobble for a second when he thought the man might walk away and leave him here. Only, instead of leaving, the black paladin placed his hands on his shoulders with enough gentle but firm force to make him look up and meet his eyes. Shiro’s eyes were searching, softly prodding his own to find what was bothering him. Keith, unable to look away, stared back while tears threatened to prick at his eyes. 

“Keith, I’m only saying we should stop because I don't think you’ll benefit if we keep going. I’m not doing it because I think you can’t handle it or because I don’t want to continue. Exposure training is to help lessen fear, and I don’t think it’ll do that today.” Shiro started, trying to soothe the fears that he knew were running through Keith’s mind. 

He was always afraid of disappointing others or making them mad, and above all was the thought that he might not be good enough. Every day his team struggled to remind him that those things,  _ especially _ the last one, were definitely _ not  _ true. “Training doesn’t always help, and it’s not anyone’s fault that it doesn’t. There’s nothing wrong with opting out for a day, okay?” 

There was a moment where they were both quiet, Shiro waiting for Keith to respond and Keith being unsure of how to do so. The man had never explained it to him like that before. In the back of his mind he’d always kind of known that exposure training wouldn’t work every time, but hearing it put into words had a different effect than kind-of-knowing it. 

The red paladin broke eye contact, choosing to stare at the floor while he thought instead of at his leader. ...If Shiro said it was alright for him to not continue for today, then he must be right, right? He’d never lied to him before, and he didn’t think he’d start now just to make him feel better. He wouldn’t risk his trust on a lie. 

Keith tilted his head up again, looking into Shiro’s eyes with a little less difficulty than before. “Okay.” He replied, his voice low and a little less confident than he wanted. 

Regardless, Shiro smiled at him and playfully ruffled his hair in an attempt to lift his spirits, succeeding in eliciting a small smile from the other. “Good. Why don’t we go see what Hunk and Lance are doing?” 

.o.O.o.

Lance and Hunk had already started lunch when Keith and Shiro found them in the kitchen. Only an hour had passed since breakfast, which was way too early for the paladins to be eating again, but having lunch extremely early had become a part of their daily routine. Their paladin training ran from 11 in the morning to 4 in the afternoon, which left them little time for both breakfast and lunch before then. Allura and Coran compensated by only eating one meal before training, but Hunk refused to let the human members of the team miss out on such an important part of their day. 

Shiro had to leave after a few minutes, needing to attend to a few black paladin duties, leaving Keith with his other teammates. Having nothing more important to do, Keith sat up on one of the kitchen counters and watched the two cook. Usually he would be relaxing in his room, de-stressing after exposure training, but he didn’t want to go back there so soon. He didn’t want to be lying in a room with a bathroom in it, that wouldn’t relax him at all. It would probably just make him more tense, which he didn’t need. 

He also needed to pee now, and he didn’t want to be in the same room as his thermos. It would be too tempting to go and he was trying to wait until practice. The team took a break halfway through training, so if he could wait until then he wouldn’t need to go again until after dinner. That would mean he should be good until tomorrow morning, when he should be back to normal. 

And no one would know about today. He just had a setback in training. Nothing to worry about. 

“Keith?” 

The teen jumped a little at the sound of his name, suddenly being pulled out of his thoughts as Lance gently tapped his knee for his attention. “Hm?” He responded quickly, trying to act like he hadn’t spaced out and had been paying attention the whole time. 

Lance offered Keith a fork with a bit of the meat he’d been cooking on it, practically placing the utensil in his teammate’s hand when he didn’t take it immediately. “How does it taste?” He asked curiously, motioning for him to try the sample. 

The red paladin awkwardly grabbed the fork as it was pushed into his hand and looked at the piece of meat. It looked good, but he’d learned that in space looks meant nothing. He blew on it a little as a precaution to not burn his mouth before he bit the food off the fork and chewed, his eyes widening in shock at the taste. It tasted like really well-seasoned roast beef, but it literally melted in his mouth like butter. “It’s really good.” He said after swallowing the food. “What are you making?” He asked curiously, his eyes scanning the several pots and pans on the stove. 

Lance took the fork from him and tossed it in the sink. “It’s supposed to be a recreation of homestyle Cuban beef stew, but all I’ve got are alien ingredients so-“ He cut himself off with a half nervous, half genuine laugh, since he didn’t really know if his recreation would live up to its name. Hunk, the chef, had very frequent mess ups in the kitchen because all the ingredients were alien, so Lance was reasonably worried about how the food would turn out. 

Keith hummed in response. “Well the meat tastes good.” He said, offering a bit of consolation to his friend. 

Lance smiled cheerfully. “Thanks.” He chirped happily, returning his attention to the things cooking on the stove. “This is almost done, you can go wait at the table. Hunk will help me carry everything out.” He said, giving the other a playful, dismissive wave. 

The teen shook his head and rolled his eyes at the command but turned to leave anyway. He walked through the double doors that connected the kitchen and dining room and took his usual seat near the head of the table. Pidge was the only other one there, typing away at her laptop like always. She offered him a short greeting and he returned the favor, and after that they were quiet. 

Shiro, Allura, and Coran all showed up together a few minutes later, having probably been working on coalition events or a mission plan. The Alteans waved before sitting down and continuing a conversation amongst themselves. Shiro took his seat at the head of the table before he turned to Pidge and silently closed her laptop, being careful not to shut her fingers inside it. “No electronics at the dinner table.” He chastised, earning himself a sigh as the green paladin reluctantly moved her laptop to her lap. 

“Whatever you say space dad.” She replied in a monotone voice, leaning forward to rest her cheek on her hand. 

The black paladin gave a fond shake of his head in return. “I still can’t believe you guys call me that. Who started it?” He asked curiously, since he didn’t know. All he knew was that one day the team unanimously decided that he would be their ‘space dad’ because he made sure they took care of themselves. He was just trying to be a good leader, but the other teens took it as him trying to be a parent. 

Pidge snickered. “We’ll never tell.” 

Just then, Lance and Hunk walked through the kitchen doors, each carrying a big pot full of stew Lance had made. They set it down in the middle of the table and took their seats with everyone else, then started serving the food. “Hope you guys like it!” Lance cheered once everyone had a bowl, immediately digging into his own food. 

Keith looked down at his bowl of stew with a faint frown. It looked good and he knew it tasted good, but it was  _ stew  _ and stew had  _ water _ in it. That hadn’t truly hit him when Lance told him what they were having, but seeing it made him remember how full his bladder already was. And then he had to drink the water he’d been given too…

His bladder throbbed at the thought, and he was quick to squeeze his thighs together to stave off the urge. The throbbing didn’t seem to be going away though, because he had the stew and water still in his view, taunting him. Suddenly, he wasn’t so confident in his ability to hold it through lunch, much less through the first half of training. 

He knew that as soon as he was done eating he would be allowed to leave though, so he picked up his spoon and started to eat, even if he had to sit on one of his hands to keep from squirming at every bite. The food tasted great, so that made it a little easier to stomach, but he still had to eat at a torturously slow pace, or else the temptation to pee would become too much for him to handle and he’d wet himself at the table. Which he did not want to do. The last thing he wanted right now was a round of scolding about how he shouldn’t make himself hold it in anymore and that he should speak up if he needed to go. Today was not a good day for that. 

After a few minutes, he’d finished his food. He reluctantly looked to the cup of water next, giving it an unbridled look of disdain. He wasn’t worried about anyone catching on to his struggle because of the expression, he’d always disliked drinking water. He didn’t complain about it (with the slight exception of this morning) but he never looked happy to do it. He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath to ready himself, then squeezed himself tightly and grabbed the glass, practically chugging it to get it over with. 

He downed the whole thing without so much as a leak, causing him to sigh with relief as he set the cup down. He was still dangerously close to wetting though, with all the liquid sloshing in his stomach and bladder, so he quickly stood and turned to leave, sadly having to let go of himself so no one saw. “I'm gonna get ready for training.” He announced as he walked towards the door, trying to act like nothing was wrong. 

He barely made it past the doorway before he had to stop and grab himself, crossing his legs as well to keep from leaking into his pants. As soon as he could he uncrossed his legs and continued walking forward, praying to whatever god that was listening to help him hold it until he got to his room. 

*****

He barely made it back to his room, and in his haste he accidentally made a bit of a mess on the floor. In all honesty, he didn’t really care though, having to clean his floor was the least of his worries right now. 

He hadn’t gotten anything on his pants, thankfully, so he wouldn’t have to fret about cleaning his clothes without anyone noticing that they smelled. But not even that fact could settle his anxiety, because now that he’d used one of his containers again he had to rework his pee schedule for the rest of the day. He still had to make it through four hours of paladin training, then dinner….he didn’t think he could go that long without peeing more than once. 

But what was he supposed to do, pee on the floor? It would be humiliating to stoop that low in an effort to avoid his fear, and it would make his room smell for the next few days. Although having two open containers full of piss sitting in his room was already succeeding in making the space smell disgusting.

The teen drug a heavy hand down his face and groaned, feeling frustrated.  _ What am I gonna do _ , he questioned himself as he stared down at the half-full mixing bowl on his floor, thinking. If he could make it through training, he would be set for the rest of the night, but he knew that the possibility of him being able to hold it through the entirety of their practice was a stretch at best. He would risk having an accident and blowing his cover; that was a risk he didn’t want to take. It wasn’t like any of his other options were any better though: going halfway during training would mean he might have an accident during dinner, and anything in between would mean running the risk of him being denied a break because he didn’t take his chance during their scheduled mid-training break. 

Keith had to fight back the frustrated tears welling behind his eyes as he bit his lip, frowning deeply. All he wanted to do was keep his little regressive episode to himself and deal with the consequences until it was over, but things kept going wrong and throwing him off kilter until he couldn’t even manage  _ that _ . This seemed so easy and simple this morning, so why was he struggling now? Holding it in for a day was a fairly simple task, something he should be a pro at by now considering how he used to handle his phobia, but for some reason he could barely wait for a few hours before he was on the verge of an accident. The thought crossed his mind that it was because he wasn’t dehydrated anymore and actually needed to go as often as a normal human, but that didn’t feel like a good explanation when the other paladins could go six plus hours without visiting the bathroom on the same fluid intake as him. It was frustrating that he was lacking in such a basic bodily function. 

The red paladin’s eyes caught the clock, and he took in a deep breath to steady himself and sighed. He had to get ready for training, it started in twenty minutes. 

He hoped that at least that part of his day would be alright. 

*****

Paladin training did not go alright. 

Lance all but forced him to go back to his room and pee during their break so he wouldn’t be distracted. He could have left to feign leaving for a bathroom break, but he didn’t want to risk wetting himself and then getting scolded for not going. So he went, and it was just his luck that he had enough piss in him to completely fill up his bowl, meaning he couldn’t go again for the rest of the night. He knew there was always the option of the floor, but he refused to stoop that low, and quite frankly he was so mad at himself for being unable to hold it all day that he was going to  _ force  _ himself to wait through dinner. 

To make matters worse, like during every practice he had to chug water to make sure he didn’t faint due to the workout, so he had to pee again. Like, he  _ really  _ needed to go and Hunk was still preparing dinner. His bladder felt heavy in his stomach and he could already feel all the liquid inside it pressing down on his sphincter, two things that spelled disaster for him. He refused to take pity on himself and go before he left his room for dinner, regardless. He was going to make himself suffer as punishment for today in general: the regression, exposure training, and paladin training.

He completely ignored his body’s near-desperate pleas as he marched himself towards the kitchen, planning to stay there to distract himself until dinner was done, because even though he was mad at himself, he didn’t want to have an accident. He just wanted to make himself feel the pain and urgency tugging at his stomach because he was angry and didn’t know how to express it in any way that wasn’t destructive. And because he cared too much for his teammates to take his anger and frustration out on them, he would take it out on himself. 

It was only Hunk in there this time, stirring a pot with a ladle while the alien version of a kitchenaid mixer mixed some dough. He perked up at the sound of his teammate’s footsteps and turned around, offering a happy smile in greeting. “Hey Keith! I’m making curry buns for dinner!” He chirped, an excited grin spreading across his face as he took the dough from the mixer and laid it across a flour-covered cutting board. “I’ve been trying to find the ingredients to make something that tastes like curry and I think I’ve finally figured it out!” 

Keith smiled at his friend’s excitement, only having to half-force the expression. “Really? That’s awesome.” He replied, standing with his thighs pressed together tensely, willing his body to not have a sudden urge while Hunk was looking at him. The last thing he wanted was to be noticed and told to go pee, because he couldn’t without breaking his self-imposed restrictions. “Did you make the spicy stuff?” He wondered, hoping that by keeping Hunk distracted by his cooking would keep him from noticing his tense posture. 

Thankfully, it seemed to be working for now. “Unfortunately, no. I went for a more savory taste. All of the food I could find that was spicy was, like,  _ extremely _ strong. I didn’t want the curry to taste like fire.” He chuckled as he turned back to the pot to stir it a few times. Keith took the opportunity to shift his weight back and forth for a moment to cope with the growing heaviness in his belly.

The red paladin watched Hunk knead the dough and cut it into chunks to make the buns. At the same time, his bladder throbbed urgently, and he had to press his hand into his crotch to keep from letting go right there. It wasn’t that he couldn’t hold it, because he knew he could, but that he was used to wetting himself when he got desperate. His subconscious still hadn’t learned that there were ways of relieving himself other than using his pants, and that he had to hold it until he found an acceptable place to go.

Every moment he thought about how much he needed to pee brought him closer to an accident. He needed a distraction. “Can I help?” He asked suddenly, figuring that helping Hunk cook would be enough to focus on. 

Hunk perked at Keith’s question and smiled. “Yeah, of course. You can make the dough into circles and pinch them closed once there’s curry inside.” He said, demonstrating once on how to stretch the dough and pinch it so it wouldn’t come undone. After he was sure his friend understood, he went back to stirring the curry.

Keith walked up to the counter and started making the dough balls into circles while Hunk finished up the curry. He was able to stand still enough, getting by with rubbing and squeezing his thighs together whenever he started struggling. He had been right; helping Hunk cook was distracting, but it wasn’t doing as much as he had hoped. He still had to pee really bad. It was so bad that he was rethinking his resolve to not piss on the floor, if only so he didn’t piss in his pants like a child. 

His bladder gave an especially desperate throb that had him biting his lip and subtly dancing in place. Okay, he really didn’t think he could hold it through dinner anymore. He didn’t want to hold it anymore period. But he was still helping Hunk make the curry buns, so he bargained with himself that he would go after he finished with his current task. 

The red paladin counted the buns until he could leave.  _ Three more _ . He coached himself, knowing that he was dangerously close to losing control. He didn’t want to wet himself, yet here he was, in a situation he forced himself into, desperate to pee. Why did he do this to himself again? Because he was upset and not thinking rationally, that was why. 

_ Two more _ . Keith squirmed his hips, feeling an urge starting in his belly. He tried to knock it down before it happened, but his body refused to listen. The urgency washed over him all at once and he gasped, scrambling to cross and squeeze his legs.  _ Don’t-pee-don’t-pee.  _ He begged frantically as a drop welled at his tip and soaked into his underwear. He could feel himself losing the battle, he needed his hands to help hold it, but his hands were occupied with the curry buns. 

_ Nonononono _ !  _ Hold it _ ! The teen thought, panicked, as the drop became a dribble, then a thin stream. Keith crushed his thighs together as hard as he could in a last, desperate attempt to keep it in, but urine continued to pour out of him against his will. It soaked through his jeans almost immediately, then noisily splattered onto the floor in the silence of the kitchen. 

Once he heard his pee hitting the ground, Keith gave up his attempts to hold it and breathed out of moan of relief. It had been months since his last accident, so long that he almost forgot how relieving it was to let go of an unbearably full bladder. The sensation almost distracted him completely from the fact that he was standing right next to Hunk, who had stopped working and was now staring at his friend, wide-eyed and speechless. 

His stream tapered and cut off, leaving the room silent besides his own labored breaths and the occasional drips still falling from his pants. He shakily uncrossed his legs and stood up straight, still trying to process the fact that he actually had an accident. 

He...failed. His one goal was to pretend that he wasn’t having an off day, that he had control over his bathroom situation, and he’d just wet his pants in front of a teammate. He didn’t  _ do  _ that anymore, he wasn’t supposed to do that anymore. But he did, and he was ashamed and disgusted. 

“Keith?” The teen jumped at his name and turned to face Hunk, who looked confused and concerned. His friend studied his expression, glanced down at the puddle below him and his wet pants, then back up to his face, searching for words. “Do you want to go get cleaned up?” He finally asked, figuring that cleaning up the mess would come first. “I can help you, just lemme finish these real quick so they can cook.”

Keith could only nod quietly in response. He felt numb, like he was in shock. He knew he should feel wet and sticky, but he couldn’t feel his legs, much less his drenched pants. He could only stand there, in the middle of his own puddle, and watch Hunk quickly finish the last few curry buns and pop the batch in the oven. 

Once the food was taken care of, Hunk turned to Keith and offered him his hand. The teen saw his lips move, but no sound reached his ears. It was confusing and anxiety-inducing, to say the least. He could understand that Hunk wanted him to give him his hand though, so he placed his palm in the other’s grip. The motion felt slow and fake, like his arm wasn’t his own. 

Hunk began to gently guide him down the hall, and Keith followed behind him slowly. The pressure and pull on his hand gave him something to focus on that wasn’t how absent his body felt or how everything else felt unreal. It was grounding and calming. He may not be completely present at the moment, but Hunk was, and he trusted his friend to keep him safe until he could catch up. 

He was led to his own room, and when the door opened and he smelled the stale urine that he remembered was still sitting in his thermos and bowl, he felt reality slip even more. His eyesight faded into a mess of color and he lost the feeling of Hunk’s hand in his own, immediately sending him into full on panic. He tried to squeeze his hand into a fist to see if his friend was still there, but he couldn’t even feel if he followed through with the action. 

He was suddenly pressed against something big and solid, and once he realized it must be Hunk he relaxed. His friend’s chest rumbled as he continued to talk, something Keith found comforting in the otherwise silent, confusing mess that was his current reality. He focused on it as much as he could and tried to hold on to the other teen, terrified of what would happen if he let go. 

He was faintly aware that he was moving, Hunk’s chest still rumbling softly against his own. For awhile, the vibrations were the only thing he could comprehend, and he held onto the sensation for dear life. 

When he was pulled away from his teammate, he began to hyperventilate in terror, horrified by what might be happening. He was expecting the worst- to be left alone while feeling so vulnerable, maybe to even be  _ hit _ \- so he was surprised when he was lowered into a comforting warmth that he vaguely recognized as a bath. He certainly wasn’t complaining, considering what he had expected instead. 

He relaxed and let his eyes close. Hunk stayed while he soaked in the warm water, reminding the teen of his presence with an occasional pat on the shoulder or hand in his hair. The reassurance that his presence gave was extremely comforting. 

After awhile, Keith noticed that he could hear talking again and listened. Hunk was whispering softly to him, but there were also two other voices in the background that he didn’t immediately recognize. He opened his eyes in hopes of figuring out who else was there, but his sight was still pretty jumbled and useless and didn’t tell him anything. 

Everyone in the room must have noticed him open his eyes, because they stopped their conversation and immediately focused on him. The whispers continued, becoming more like intertwining murmurs of comfort as his friends worked on soothing him. Two more sets of hands found his own and combed through his hair, which he found more grounding than anything else. He held onto his friends hands to keep them from pulling away, and when he felt them gently squeeze back he relaxed. 

Keith let his eyes close again, feeling safe with three people he knew well there with him. Nothing was going to hurt him. 

He didn’t know how long it took before he felt the sensation start returning to his skin, but it wasn’t until then that he realized what had happened. He had dissociated  _ big time _ . It had been a long time since he’d had such a large episode, thanks to him living in the castle where he never felt threatened or in danger. He still had small moments every once in awhile, but he could usually be brought back quickly by one of his teammates. 

The teen thought hard for a moment while he tried to remember what had caused him to dissociate like that. He had a normal day, ate breakfast with everyone, did exposure training, ate lunch, did paladin training, and hung out with Hunk while he cooked dinner….

Oh yeah, then he had an accident. All over the kitchen floor. In front of Hunk. 

He felt his chest tighten with anxiety at the memory, wondering what his teammate must be thinking. Hunk was probably grossed out, disgusted even that he peed in his pants while they were making food, that he contaminated the floor and it would have to be cleaned now, that he was too  _ childish _ to pee earlier and prevent the whole thing from happening. 

Was Hunk going to yell at him? Was he going to ban him from the kitchen? Was he going to hit-

“Hey, hey, it’s okay Keith.” The yellow paladín soothed, speaking quietly. The other gently rubbed his hand up and down the anxious teen’s arm, hoping to offer some kind of comfort through the action. “No one’s mad at you. It was just an accident, it’s not a big deal.”

“Yeah, don’t worry about it kiddo.” Shiro hummed next, rubbing a thumb along the back of his hand. “It was just a little pee.” 

Still, despite their reassurances, Keith felt terrible. He practically lost months of progress in one day, and his teammates were telling him that was alright? No, it wasn’t. “I’m sorry.” He whispered, his voice croaking slightly, both because of his recent dissociative episode and his anxiety. 

Lance spoke up this time. He knew that he wouldn’t get anywhere by arguing with his friend, so instead of addressing what he said, the teen simply asked, “Do you want to get dressed and relax? We can have a big sleepover in the common room with everyone if you want.” 

Now that Keith wasn’t afraid of it, he was a sucker for physical contact, so whenever he was feeling upset or anxious the team always made it a point to offer him some kind of touch. It helped a lot to remind him that his teammates weren’t upset with him, because they wouldn’t be cuddling with him and having sleepovers if they were mad, would they? 

Keith’s eyes brightened at the mention of a sleepover. He always loved getting to spend hours cuddled between his friends and not even a horrendously bad chain of events could keep him from wanting to do that. It wouldn’t help with anything that happened today, but it would give him a few hours to not have to worry about it and to recoup. “Yeah.” He said quietly. 

The blue paladin smiled comfortingly. “Okay. Shiro’s gonna help you in here while me and Hunk set up.” He said as he got to his feet. He leaned over the side of the tub and pressed a kiss to his friend’s temple, then stood up and left with Hunk to get ready for the sleepover. 

“Okay.” Keith replied, this time with a bit more confidence. He felt warmer and a bit more relaxed thanks to the kiss, which was just what he needed to finally feel at home in his skin again. He was grounded, though still unsure and anxious because of how his day had been going. 

Shiro smiled at him. “Let’s get you out of there.” He stood and gently hooked his fingers under the teen’s upper arms to help him up. Keith wobbly got to his feet and stepped out of the tub, shivering at the temperature of the air. Shiro quickly wrapped a towel around his shoulders in an effort to chase away the cold, rubbing the plush fabric over his back to offer more warmth. Keith let the man help him dry off and get dressed, appreciating that he didn’t have to do it alone when he was still a little spaced out. 

When they finished, Shiro pulled him into another hug, squeezing him gently. He melted into the affection and sighed, suddenly exhausted from all of the day’s events. He was happy they were having a sleepover, he just wanted to go to sleep. 

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled again, still feeling out of place in the whole situation. The team had proven to him time and time again that these kinds of things were okay, but he’d never had so many things go wrong all in the same day. It felt like something should be different this time, like if he didn’t apologize for messing everything up something bad would happen. 

Shiro only squeezed him tighter. “Today was just a really bad day. You don’t have to apologize for that.” He reassured. 

Keith went to try and argue, but his friend cut him off. “Let’s head over to the common room. I’m sure the others are wondering where we are.” 

There was still a slight frown on his face when he pulled away, but the teen reluctantly gave up the discussion. He was looking forward to the sleepover, of course, but he was still uneasy and not mentally ready to relax yet. Even after all the reassurances, he was still subconsciously expecting punishment. 

He followed behind Shiro to the common room, where the space between the couches had been filled with more blankets and pillows than he thought were on the ship. It looked fluffy and comfortable, but he was hesitant to lay down with everybody else already there. They were all dressed in their pajamas, which made him feel awkward about still wearing his jeans, but before he could get too self-conscious Lance turned around. 

“Hey you two! Come on in!” The blue paladin greeted with a grin, waving at them encouragingly. “We’ve still got plenty of space!”

Keith hesitated before Shiro not-so-subtly nudged him closer to the group. He looked back at the man with a half-hearted glare before he finally climbed down to the nest of blankets and sat between Hunk and Lance. The softness of the blankets and the heat radiating from the bodies on either side of him caused him to relax immediately. 

He heard Pidge get up and opened his eyes (when did they close?) to see her setting up a movie on the holographic scene covering the far wall. He wasn’t sure what movie it was, but he couldn’t really claim to care with how sleepy he was getting. 

He felt Shiro’s metal hand ruffle his hair and something warm being wrapped around him before he drifted off. 


End file.
